Let’s be real: the people who recently stole from the Louvre did a horrible job. They are currently in custody, realizing all the weaknesses their mission had. This doesn’t need to be an inside job, in fact I could orchestrate it right here from Atlanta. Personally, I’d skip the paintings and go straight for the biggest prize: the French Crown Jewels. It will be so overwhelmingly chaotic the guards won’t know which way is up, which way is down, or what they refer to in Paris as: être dans le coaltar.
The key to my operation is the Mysterio Gambit. Remember the drones that created a giant fake illusion in Spider-man: Far From Home? I’ll use an army of them to stage a massive fake heist of the Mona Lisa. The drones will create a 3D illusion of a group of thieves breaking fifty fake Mona Lisa’s while I quietly steal the real one. While the guards run in circles chasing the shadow of a digital heist, tripping over confused tourists, I will be making history.
While Paris descends into my glorious, fabricated mayhem, I’ll make my move. Far above the frantic scene, I’ll be hiding in the vents above the Apollo Gallery, trying my best not to cough. The Louvre hasn’t seen a Swiffer since the Renaissance. To ensure I look the part I will wear a sophisticated spy suit I got from Spirit Halloween a couple years ago. Dramatically descending at exactly 1:30pm dressed in my expertly crafted outfit, I will begin my work.
My missions main goal of course is the Crown Jewels, which lie behind triple-layer security glass. Hypothetically I could use a simple drill, but fire sounds like more fun. A giant torch will be perfect! I’ll peel off the soft melting glass cover with my high tech fire resistant gloves.
Finally, the pièce de résistance: a swap. Replace the Crown’s sparkle with hyper-realistic knockoffs from a local Atlanta pawn shop. They look identical at first glance and are suspiciously heavy, which helps if anyone does a lazy inspection job in a rush. By the time anyone notices, Paris will be busy debating baguette ethics and whether croissants are secretly just sad pastries.
Once I’ve committed this perfect crime, my getaway will be simple: untie the wire, zip through the vent, remove the suit, and blend in with the drone operators. Before they realize the Mona Lisa is still smiling and the jewels are fake, I’ll be back in Atlanta scrolling on TikTok and pretending to do homework like I never left. Now that’s how you rewrite history.
