Go For The Gourd: How To Pumpkin Patch


Two devious dubs, Juniors Xaden Benson and Taylor Ryan, look in disgust at the pumpkin in there mist. One question remains true: why don’t they go for the gourd?

Welcome back folks and happy fall. When autumn arises, there is only one thing on our minds, the leaves are falling, the weather is freezing, and pumpkin patches are patching. But, contrary to popular belief, pumpkin patching is only for those with the mental capacity to do it right and fight for the best round orange gourd, and never get lost in the corn (maze). Here is the ultimate guide: how to pumpkin patch. 

To begin, waking up on the right side of the bed, ready to take on the day and capture the spirit of fall. A pumpkin patch is not just a farm and is considered by most to be the eighth wonder of the natural world. As they say: an early patcher gets the gourd. “You must pumpkin patch with a joyful pep in your step,” said junior Raleigh Pyron, “You can’t let the day go to waste!” With a sunny spirit and cinnamon spice running through your veins, you will finally be ready to take on the day.

Next, the penultimate most important attribute of patching is choosing the attraction that best suits your fall spirit. Whether it be a bigger “Burt’s Pumpkin Farm” in North Georgia or a petite patch in the South, this choice will state your fate for the day. As you forge your way to the pumpkin patch, take a moment to sniff the fall air, listen to some autumn tunes, and safely drive to the patch of your dreams. Once arrived, park, skip, hop, or jump through the gates of the euphoria that is a pumpkin patch. 

Upon arrival, it is important to enter with style and make your way to the nearest food hut in order to grab a treat as old as time: pumpkin bread. Loaf loaded in hand, you are now ready to stroll through the fields and pick the pumpkins that speak to you. Though tedious, this will be the climax of your patching experience, so choose wisely and fight for the best. Junior Alexandra Kazamias finds joy in picking the right pumpkins, “There should be no markings on the pumpkin. It must look nice,” she said, “No disgusting rotten bottoms for me!” 

Though most holistically minded people love pumpkins, there do happen to be a frivolous few who just cannot stand the idea of a pumpkin patch at all. Xaden Benson, a junior dub, has a very targeted opinion about these patches in their entirety. “I hate anything dealing with pumpkins, I have it out for those orange things,” He said, “It’s vengeance.” 

From pumpkin connoisseurs to passionate persons like Benson, the key to fall is to go at your own pace and enter at your own risk. Don’t trip, we will see you next fall!