Patty Priorities: Wire Sports Team Ranks Best Burger Toppings 


Dennis Racket

Burger Boys: After the hard work of ranking best hamburger patty toppers, Wire sportswriters Jack “Kick” Moriarty and Bo “Ace” Underwood gobble up a delightful and game-changing patty from the Peachtree Road McDonald’s location.

Burgers. Some may argue they are the foundational food that this nation was built on. They bring people together as easily as they divide them, and a burger is only as good as what you put on top of it. The possibilities are endless for what the eater can choose, but here are, in our nearly-factual opinion, the best and worst things that are commonly put on burgers. 

  1. Mushrooms

Mushrooms are the worst thing that people put on burgers. For many years we have tried to find the reasoning behind why people put fungi on their food and proceed to eat it. If you are one of those people, please think about what experience from your childhood caused you to exhibit this erratic behavior. 

  1. Pickles

To be candid, the appeal of pickles is lost on us. Picklists swear that they’re a life-changing ingredient, but in my opinion, we must be eating different foods. They look dumb and their bitter taste can completely ruin the texture of the burger. The only thing saving them from the last place is that I am in support of sprinkling pickle juice on things for flavor. Next.

  1. Mayonnaise

Mayonnaise is most certainly a polarizing topic on just any food item, as you either love it or hate it. Personally, we think mayonnaise is disgusting and should not be included within or near anything edible, especially when you have so many better condiments to choose from. Unfortunately for our strong set opinions, some people really like to spread some on the bun for texture so we won’t push it too low.

  1. Onions

Onions are iffy. If we’re talking about choosing between healthy toppings like lettuce, tomato, and onions and you can only pick two, onions are definitely the last priority. Sometimes they offer an unwelcomely bitter crunch that throws the whole experience off. But, fried onions are at least a decent option when put together with the right supporting cast.

  1. Mustard

Mustard is also kind of a touchy condiment because it’s kind of weird on anything that isn’t a hot dog. But it’s not as divisive as mayonnaise is so it won’t be taking too low of a slot on our ranking. Side note: McDonald’s mustard actually kind of hits with that deadly combo paired with ketchup so that definitely gives it extra points. 

  1. Tomato

Juice. That’s the key factor when we’re talking tomatoes. It’s probably the most fun topping to pronounce too. However, some people don’t really like tomatoes because the added juice takes away from the actual patty. Though everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, these people are unfortunately wrong as a juicy tomato is a quintessential ingredient when it comes to burgers. 

  1. Lettuce

If you’re looking for a splash of crunchiness and some plush greens to put on your patty, look no further than a nice leaf of lettuce. Lettuce adds a delightful texture, crunchiness, and if we’re getting overly analytical- some may consider this topping a nice health bonus. It’s definitely a key cog in an exemplary burger. We support lettuce lovers. 

  1. Ketchup

The staple. We seriously can’t get enough of this stuff. If you don’t include ketchup on a burger, it’s not the most noticeable or important thing in the world but it’s pretty much the best condiment you’re cheating yourself bigtime by passing on ketchup. It’s the glue that holds the whole machine together and is a must-have for any burger.

  1. Bacon

Bacon isn’t necessarily a must-have for a burger, but when it’s there you can feel the energy. You can have a great burger without bacon, no doubt. But the crunchiness and deliciousness that it brings to the plate is unmatched. Sometimes bacon cheeseburgers fall on the more expensive side, so it’s a risky option when your wallet is light, but whenever you want to treat yourself, add some strips of the sweet stuff.

  1. Cheese 

No burger is ever complete without cheese, the ingredient that makes or breaks a burger. Cheddar and American are usually the go-tos when crafting a burger, but Monterey Jack and Swiss cheese are also very good if utilized to their fullest potential. It goes without saying that the best cheese for a burger, and best topping overall, is without a doubt American cheese. You just can’t go wrong with American cheese, no matter what.

So there you have it. Here in the sports department it’s not just about ranking teams the Bulldogs will be most likely to choke against. The above shows we can rank just about anything. How about best salad toppings (not including banana peppers — because, frankly, we can’t stand those)? We’re on it!